Every year, the movies released in the months from January to April are generally horrible. The studios, fresh from releasing their “Oscar movies,” dump their reserves, unnecessary remakes, sequels, extra-cheesy movies, etc., on poor, unsuspecting moviegoers.
While us movie buffs expect the stuff nightmares are made of this time of year, I think 2006 has reached a new low in bringing us cinematic crap. These movies make 2006 the year of the dog in more ways than one, as seen in the image below from Disney's e-mail promotion for Valentine's Day.
Upon seeing a commercial for Tim Allen’s latest, “The Shaggy Dog,” my friend looked at me, puzzled, asking, “Are they really showing this in theaters?” Begrudgingly, I answered her with a very pathetic “Yes.” In the movie, Allen plays a dog. No, I’m not joking, and no, it’s not an animated movie. The movie actually has the one time “Home Improvement” star running on all fours to chase a cat, licking up his food at the dinner table and growling at a human being. If this movie isn’t enough for you, Allen will appear in “The Santa Clause 3,” which, as of now, is scheduled to hit theaters on Nov. 3. Allen is also teaming up with Martin Lawrence and John Travolta for “Wild Hogs,” a movie about middle-aged motorcyclists.
This provides a good transition into that of another bad movie all-star, Martin Lawrence. Perhaps the aspect of “Big Momma’s House 2” that disappoints me the most is the fact that it is making money. Even further, I’m disappointed that the idea of a sequel to “Big Momma’s House” even crossed the minds of the execs at Fox. The same goes for pretty much every sequel being released.
As one of the few movies that aren’t sequels, “She’s the Man” stars Amanda Bynes as a girl who dresses up as a boy. In the TV spot for the movie, we don’t get a real reason as to why she’s doing this. Instead, we get a really weird description of “who likes whom” at the high school Bynes’ character attends. It just doesn’t make sense.
Another movie that doesn’t make sense is the horror remake “When a Stranger Calls.” A marker of a truly horrible cinematic specimen, this movie received film critic Roger Ebert’s “wagging finger of shame” for not being screened for critics. As a critic and a human being, I have to tell you that this movie was a major waste of an hour and a half. For at least half of the movie, the lead character wanders around the house on the phone, with nothing too important happening. It’s absolutely ridiculous.
These are the movies that make film fans like myself want to huddle up in a dark corner until someone comes and tells me that Beyoncé will never act again or they’ve canceled plans to make “Jurassic Park 4.”
As the weeks of the crème de la crème of cinematic crap go on, one thing keeps this fanatic going: “Oscar movie” season is only eight months away.
While you should probably just abstain from attending the theater right now, here’s a rundown of the specific movies to avoid this season:
In theaters: “Big Momma’s House 2,” “Date Movie,” “Final Destination 3,” “The Pink Panther,” “When a Stranger Calls”
Coming soon: “Aquamarine” (3/3), “Basic Instinct 2: Risk Addiction” (3/31), “Running Scared” (2/24), “The Shaggy Dog” (3/10), “She’s the Man” (3/17), “Silent Hill” (4/21), “Stay Alive” (3/24), “Stick It” (4/21), “Ultraviolet” (3/3)
-Catherine Krummey, MovieCat Cinema
